Breathe Part 9

The first part is the same as part 8, but there are some changes and more povs that i added, just an fyi so u dont have to read all of it, just scan the first parts.

* * *
Raven is screaming in her sleep. It shakes her whole body as she convulses with screams of sheer terror. I shake and scream her name until she finally wakes up. She continues to hyperventilate as tears stream down her flushed face. I have her leaning against my body with my legs wrapped around hers and my hands rubbing her leg. I wish I could wrap my arms around her so she could feel secure but thanks to this shit I'm wrapped in, I can't.
"Raven. It's ok. It was just a dream. Remember? That happened a long time ago. It's ok. It's all over." I keep repeating these statements over and over and soon her sobbing has quieted. Cyborg comes into the room. He sees her and shakes his head sadly.
"Again?" He asks sorrowfully and I nod.
"Is she….ok?" Terra asks tentatively. I don't answer because I'm not sure. She gets like this every year. Before we were together no one knew what to do. We didn't understand what was happening until we realized what the date was. On the anniversary, she has these horrifying nightmares where she relives the end of the world. She still hasn't forgiven herself for it. I try to think of ways to distract her from the horrors that haunt her. I song comes to mind that used to make her laugh when I sang it. So I start singing the lyrics of Can't Stand It by NeverShoutNever.
"Baby, I love you. I never want to let you go. The more I think about the more I want to let you know that everything you doooo is super fucking cute and I can't stand it. I've been searching fooooor a girl that's just liiike yooooooooooooooooooouuuuuu. Cuz I knooow that your heaaart is truuuuue. BABY I LOVE YOU I never want to let you go. The mooore I think about the more I want to let you know that everything you doooo is super duper cute and I can't stand it." Raven's sobs have stopped but there are still tears streaming down her face. I quickly search for another song I can sing.

"Soooooooo much to wriiiiiite So lllliiittle tiiime How can I pinpoint our love In just a few liiines I'll start with the first time we both kissed The rain poured doooown when we touched liiiiiiiips. All I knooooow  All I knooooooow  All I knooooow And I know it's late and My voice is craaaacking
And I'm singin' ooout of keeeeeeeeeeeeey
But youuu don't caaaaare about aaalllll these things. You just want me to sing you to sleep."
* * *
The low hum of the engine and the wind flying past us has become background noise.  Starfire is sleeping in the passenger seat with the seat belt secure tightly across her body. She's resting her head on the top of her knees, which are pulled into her chest. We are about three hours away from landing in Tokyo. I called my contacts about finding the serum yesterday and hopefully they have made some headway. I admit my eyelids feel heavy and flip on autopilot. I curse myself forever making that damn suit. I don't sleep but I rest my eyes thinking about all that has happened. I feel so stupid for making this stupid mistake. Batman would never have made this mistake. It's no wonder he ditched me for Robin #4, but I think that Robin #4 disappeared. I'm not sure what happened to Robin #1, but I know Robin #2 was murdered then along came me, Robin #3. I had trained so hard but I was never good enough. He would ridicule me relentlessly about my lack of discipline. I had changed so much through the years with him.
I remember one morning Batman had called me and told me that he was leaving for the day. He left me alone only once before and I remember feeling proud. I trained for two hours while constantly checking the news expecting a tragedy to strike but after hours of worrying I finally relaxed enough to live my day as normal. The day did go on as normal until he came home. I could hear him slam the door as the Bat Cave's walls shook with fury. He was screaming so loud I couldn't understand what he was saying. I listen to him rant about my failures until he sat in his chair and looked out the window, dismissing me from my scolding. Though he had finished reprimanding me, I didn't. I continued to point out my flaws and curse at my patheticness. I stormed up to my room and ripped off my uniform, throwing it to the ground. I changed into some sweats and went to brush my teeth. What I saw I the mirror that day changed me. My mask was off and I was looking at this stranger in the mirror. The one with hate in his eyes; who looked with disgust at the person starring back at him. This person scared me. I could see all the hate and infuriation that I was feeling. This person in the mirror looked like a murderer. I quickly turned my face from the mirror and stared at my shaking hands. I grabbed my mask and secured it on my face. I remember crawling into bed and staring at the wall; scared to death that if I fell asleep that the evil emotions would engulf me. I never wanted to see that face again. I never wanted anyone else to see that face. I decided that night that I had to change. I had to leave. The next morning I left a note on the kitchen table explaining that I was leaving Gotham City and the East Coast entirely. That's when I arrived in Jump City and met the rest of the Titans. California was a fresh start for me; the team was a fresh start for everyone.
My thoughts are interrupted when I hear the T-Ship's landing wheels lower. I open my eyes to realize we are about to land.  Starfire is awakening and looks excited but I can never tell if that is how she really feels. She, too, has a barrier except that hers is created by fake smiles and laughs. Sometimes I wish we could be more real with each other. It is something that the both of us will have to learn.
* * *
The terrifying memories of fire, darkness and my scars flash constantly through my mind. This horrible piercing sound rattles my body. It takes me a couple seconds to realize it's coming from me. I cover my hands over my mouth but can't stop the shrieking. I realize I'm crying as my hands feel the hot tears drench my face and hands. I feel unaware of my entire body as it continues to convulse. Gar tries to keep me from shaking but is having trouble. His singing calms me down as I try to forget what I had just remembered. My screaming has become inaudible but I still can feel myself gasping for air. Normally I would laugh at Gar's attempts at singing but Happiness is nowhere to be seen. Sometimes, I can't believe that I had destroyed the world. I let it happen. I could have tried to stop it but I gave up. Robin had to come find me as I was running away from the problem. I could have stopped it from happening but I didn't. How can I live with myself? It is only know that I know what would have been the perfect solution; Trigon had finally let me think of it, having blocked it from my thoughts completely because it was the only defect in his plan. I should have been smarter, stronger. I should have figured it out and none of this would have ever happened. I was the portal. I was his way in; without me he had no way of entering Earth. It's only now that I realize that I should have destroyed the portal. I should have destroyed myself. Only it's too late now.
* * *
Raven stands up away from Beast Boy and walks swiftly out of the room. I stare in shock and in silence. I hear Beast Boy swear under his breath and shake his head. Cyborg shakes his head in unison.
"Asshole." Beast Boy mutters.
"Agreed." Cyborg mumbles. He puts a kettle on the stove and pulls down two mugs; one black, one white. He puts them both back and pulls down a purple one.
"Peppermint Spice." Beast Boy says and Cyborg nods.
"I know."
"I know you know. I'm just. You know." Beast Boy says wearily.
"Yeah, I know." Cyborg's words seem to echo in the silence. Beast Boy's eyes haven't left the door.
"I hate him." He says, his gaze still not leaving the door.
"All of humanity hates him but yeah, I think we are a little more biased than others." Cyborg rustles around the kitchen banging around cupboards and cabinets. "Where the hell are those damn…" Beast Boy cuts off Cyborg.
"She hides them behind the third square steel covering. Pull the left corner up and to the right; it'll pop right off."
"Does she like them toasted?"
"Yea. Did Jinx go home?"
"I'm not sure. I'll call her."
"Kay." You would think Beast Boy was trying to psychically bore a hole through the door.  Cyborg walks toward us and sits on the couch. He holds up his arm as if he was checking his watch. He pushes some buttons and I hear a ringing of a phone. Five rings bellow through the phone until a groggy voice answers the phone.
"Somebody better be dead if you're actually calling me right now…." Her voice trails off as you hear the sound of a light switch flipping on.
"You really need to come over."
"Cy, I do not do booty calls. Normally I would now start using some excessive adult vocabulary but I don't think my mind can come up with any right now so…."
"Jinx, it's Raven. She needs you to come over. Now." You hear the creak of bed and shuffling.
"I'll be right over."  You hear a door slam and then a dial tone.
* * *
I rush down to the elevator in boxers and a sweatshirt. My pink hair is in an extremely messy bun and as I step onto the elevator I notice I'm bare foot. I stand awkwardly alone in the elevator holding my keys and cell phone. I stand on my tippy toes so barely any of my foot is actually touching the floor, not that it's dirty. It is quite clean surprisingly but still. The ping of reaching the main lobby opens the doors. I dash outside and climb into my car. I'm terrified of what I'm going to soon witness. To be honest, part of me wants to pretend I never got that phone call. Cyborg sounded so serious on the phone. Thinking of the glass shattering words that spilled through the phone sends shivers down my spine. Raven better be ok. I can't deal with…I just cant.  I mean I got my own shit to deal with.
I turn the key and the engine revs. My hand is shaking as I grab the gearshift. I didn't realize how fast I was going until I noticed I was standing outside at the edge of the pier.  I press speed dial number 5 and wait for Cyborg to answer the phone. He picks up immediately.
"Um, I'm here. At the pier."
"Do you see the sign that says don't litter?" I look to right and see the sign.
"Uh, yeah."
"Go to it." I walk about 20 steps until I reach the sign.
"Ok, I'm here." I stare confused at the sign.
"Look at the brick wall and pull the third brick from the bottom." The wall stands about three feet tall and acts more like a bench. I count the bricks and pull the third one from the bottom. It comes out about 4 inches and stops. A staircase emerges descending into a dark tunnel. I stare in shock. "Did the staircase come out?"
"Um, yeah." I say staring at the secret entrance.
"Just walk down and follow the tunnel." His voice sounds cold; worried. I say ok, and good-bye. I hang up the phone and descend down the stairs. As I reach the floor of the tunnel the stair case closes behind me. Suddenly lights light up the tunnel and I can clearly see where I'm going. I walk for about ten maybe fifteen minutes until I reach another brick wall. I pull the third brick from the bottom and like magic, the staircase appears. I walk up and find myself on the Titan's island. I walk up the path to the front door and let myself in. I find myself jogging to the elevator. I start shaking inside. I come out and walk down the hallway almost getting lost but finding the living room. I walk through and see Cyborg putting some Poptarts onto a plate and Beast Boy propped up on the couch while Terra's struggling to keep from sliding off.
"What's going on?" I say to no one in particular.
"Do you remember like 3 years ago when world ended?" Cyborg says sadly. The memories of fleeing from flames and ash flash into my mind. I remember the ash burning my skin and weighing me down until it completely coated me and I was trapped inside. The next thing I knew I was in the hospital with about a million others. I nod. Terra suddenly seems more alert.
"Do you know how that happened?" Beast Boy asks.
"Not really, just how Raven like saved the world from….Trigon? They didn't say how it happened in the news; they said they didn't know how it happened, that no one knew."
"We lied. We know now and we knew then what happened. We couldn't let the public know."
"What. Happened?" I say. The memories flood back again. Could the world really end twice? Is that why Raven needed me? Was the survival of the world on her shoulders? I look at Beast Boy who just shakes his head. I look to Cyborg who stands there trying to remain calm. "IS the world ending? Again?!" I feel myself panic but I'm able to control my emotions.
"No. No. No. Nothing like that, but see today's the anniversary. Every year on the day of the end of the world, Raven…well she relives it. Her mind is forced into the past. She not only feels her own pain but every single person that felt any sort of pain on that day. And well that's over six billion peoples' fear and pain that she feels all at once." Beast Boy rambles and I can see the water that has filled his eyes.
"Last year, the stress that was put on her body almost killed her. She had to be on antibiotics for a week before she could sit up on her own. She told us recently that she figured out how to better control it but she just woke herself up screaming. We thought you would want to be here for her, you know, just in case." Cyborg trails off looking down.
* * *
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
My head aches from the surge of thought process. Jinx pushes her pink bangs out of her face and stares at the ground. She taps her foot uncontrollably as she leans against the counter repeatedly push the hair out of her face. Beast Boy continues to try and shape shift, but it no longer blocks his powers. Now it allows him to shape shift for just a moment but then he'll cry out in pain and quit for a while but will continue after a minute or so. Other than the random out cries of BB, Everyone is silent. As Cyborg gets a bowl and wooden spoon, the sound of the ceramic gliding against the granite seems ear shattering. Everyone stares as Cyborg awkwardly avoids our gaze. He slowly pulls ingredients down and slowly retrieves measuring spoons and cups. I try to look away but it's either that or staring deeply at the fabric of the couch. Jinx nervously jerks up right and walks out of the living room doors. This is bad. Really really, really, really, REALLY bad. Raven RELIVES THAT DAMN thing. She can't possibly feel EVERYONE's emotions, thoughts and pain. I mean that's impossible. Besides how would she be able to tell who's who. Even as I think these thoughts I know I'm only trying to fool myself.
* * *
I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I fucking destroyed the world. I destroyed it. D. E. S. T. R. O. Y.E.D. DESTROYED, and yet everybody seems like it's no big deal. I should have destroyed myself! That would have been a lot simpler. I mean I almost destroyed all of humanity! But they all look at Terra like SHE'S the monster. The light bulb goes off in my head. Maybe that's why I haven't hated her so much. I mean yea, she tried multiple times to kill us and tried to take over the world but I mean she didn't actually succeed; she only captured part of California. I destroyed the WORLD. I blew shit up; I burnt shit down. I gave up all hope. Hid from everyone in a cave guarded by demons as my inner, terrified, child. Did I mention I didn't even have the guts to do it myself? Even as a villain I fail. Screams of people fill my mind and my eardrums feel like they are about to burst. I grip the sink and am on the verge of vomiting. The screaming starts to subside and I look back up to the mirror. I see my fist slam against it before I realize I've lifted my hand. The mirror shatters and cracks, as does my reflection. I look down at my hand that now has several pieces of glass embedded in it. I flick out the pieces of glass and wipe the blood on my navy blue sweats. It looks like water at first but as it dries it gets darker. The shattered mirror has more intersecting lines than a spider web. Bits of the mirror are still slowly falling. I wonder if anyone heard it. No one seems to be coming either way. I pick up a piece of the glass, one with blood on it, and lightly wrap my hand around it. I slip into the hallway and walk to my bedroom and place the bloody glass into my jewelry box. As I close the lid, the words I uttered earlier suddenly strike me. I instantly feel ill. I slump to my knees and wrap my arms around my stomach. The sudden realization makes me nauseas. How did I not see this coming? Oh my god. What am I going to do? But I can't think straight as images flash through my mind, flooding my brain. People covered in ash. People turned to stone. People in my living room.
* * *
In my bare feet I nimbly walk down the dark hall. I reach to Raven's door but I hear her…mumbling? Very quietly screaming? Definitely cursing. No way in hell she's meditating. The words grow a tad louder and I'm able to make out what she's saying. Mostly cursing herself for destroying the world…and for fucking up the bathroom…and time travel?
Okay, seriously, what the hell is going on in this insane asylum? Jesus. You got blondie hog tied to Beast Boy, who keeps electrocuting himself by trying to shape shift while in the damn X thing. Cyborg, whom I love dearly, is making frickin waffles at 3 A.M, or 4 or what ever damn time it is, like as if it's just any other Sunday. You got alien chick calling in every 10 minutes asking if everyone's all right and before we can say anything, Batboy rips her away from the webcam long enough to tell us in that uber sexy monotone voice of his, that he should be back by tomorrow morning, HOPEFULLY, with the some serum. He then hangs up before we can tell them that Raven over here, is having seizures, talking to herself and acting like a schizophrenic tweaker.  God Damn. I swear things never looked this out of control as a bystander. Now, I'm dating the next chicken & waffles frycook, & best friends with a raging psychopath; it's like I married into the mafia or something. And I'm not even married. BAHAHAHAHA oh I'm going to hell for that one.
My mind swirls and thoughts bounce from one subject to another.  And I partly feel nauseas. I almost burst into laughter as that thought pops into my head. I reach to knock on the door but my hand never meets the metal. The door has opened. Raven stands in front of me with blood shot eyes and tear stained face. I walk in and grab her around the waist and pull her onto her bed. I notice her arm is wrapped up.
"What happened to your…"
"Damn mirror." She replies as she gets up from the bed; she walks around and sits back on the bed. She continues to explain probably after looking at the confusion on my face.
"I had a freak out in the bathroom. The mirror kind of got in my way." She attempts to smile but just bursts into tears.
"Raven it's ok. Please stop crying. Please." It's no use though. This whole 'We all love you so much so please stop' isn't working. She continues to sob. She looks up at me with fear.
"Make it stop! MAKE it stop! Make it STOP!" She chokes out the words.
"Make what stop?!?!" I scream frantically. The tears? The pain? The worry?
"I DON'T KNOW!"
* * *
The words slip out of my mouth. Obviously I do know. Well, part of me does. The tears mostly, but also the craziness. THE LIES.  But before I can explain, Jinx lets go of my waist and stands up. Something in her face has changed.
"Raven," she says almost motherly, "PULL YOUR SHIT TOGETHER." The sudden harshness stuns me. "You heard me. PULL…YOUR SHIT...TOGETHER." I sit there with my mouth wide open.
"Huh?" is all I can manage to say.
"Bitch, please. Get off of your ass. I mean it. GET UP." I stand slowly while staring at her. "This isn't about the end of the world is it? I mean it certainly isn't helping but what's really going on?" It's like she can read my frickin mind.
"Nothing. Really." The lies almost make me laugh but I control myself. Jinx acts as if I haven't said anything. What am I supposed to tell her? Other than everything, so I do. "Well, this won't make since unless I start from the beginning. Ok so this one time, I was messing around with a spell book. And I accidently…"
"Fell in love with that dragon book guy?" Jinx interrupts and I can't help but laugh.
"…well yes, I did do that but that isn't what I'm talking about."   
"Oh. Sorry. Continue."
"Well, I accidently traveled in time. And I did this about, ummmm it was almost a month before the Terra betrayed us. Well, I sent myself to about 15 years into the future. And I saw a statue Terra. That's all that I could remember because somehow while trying to get back to the present, I erased my memory of it. I only had bits and pieces of it. After the world ended and started again, I started having these dreams about the end of the world. I repressed the memories in the dark corners or my mind. Along with those were my memories of the time travel incident. So when I started having dreams of the end of the world, I had them of my time travel. At first...I didn't understand what had happened. And then even when I did I couldn't remember what had been going on around me so, like a real dumbass, I kinda ignored it. But last night. My memory clicked. I remembered something Really, REALLY important. So obviously the statue was a statue it was actually Terra because she was turned to stone, but that's obvious. But it was 15 YEARS into the future. And yet it's only been like 5? And she's out wondering around?
"So? I mean are you SURE? How? Like…wat? I'm sorry. I don't really know what the hell is going on? I got a little lost back there." Jinx's eyebrows are scrunched together as she tries to follow the crazy path going on in my head.
"I had blocked out everything that was going around me. What I blocked out was the fact that I had NO body. I was DEAD. I had DIED."
"……and? I'm sorry I'm not following."
"I DIED, AKA no portal. No portal equals no end of the world."
"Ok. I gotcha but what the hell does this have to do with Terra?"
"When the world ended, everyone was covered in ash, like in Pompeii, and were turned to stone. When I started the world again, everyone was no longer stone. They were back to normal." Jinx's eyes widen.
"That bitch. She didn't free herself, did she?"
"Nope."
"But the world ended, 3 ½ years ago?" I nod as she says this. "Which means she's been wondering around for the past 3 ½ years. Which means she only just now came to you guys. So what the hell has kept her so damn busy?"
"I have no damn idea."