I'm sitting in my room alone; as usual with a tear stained face. My heart throbs for him. He barely notices I exist unless to scream at me that I'm a freak. I can't help withdrawing from the world. It's not my fault that no one ever loved me or will. I've tried to change; useless. I fall back into old habits. I would be different if someone cared about me. Robin's nice to me but only because he fears me. Starfire likes me but I don't return the favor. Cyborg doesn't really talk to me much. And Beast Boy; he hates me. So I cry and sit in my room alone and depressed. I love him. His emerald skin and eyes make me feel emotions I've never felt before. I find that the more I like him the more I try to hide it; therefore being obscenely rude. I should really just quit the Teen Titans. I don't fit in and obviously make life more uncomfortable for everyone.
I get up from my purple silk bed sheets and walk over to my bookcase. There are over 500 books neatly stacked on the shelves and I've read them all more than once. I pick up The Notebook but put back. I refuse to read that a third time and cry. I wish I had that sort of heartbreak; then I would have felt that sort of love. But I haven't even felt love; true love. Malchior "loved" me. Switch loved with used and it tells the same story. Sometimes I wish I could just get life over with. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have to deal with it.
I'm about to sit back down when the alarm goes off. I grab my cloak and run to the living room. Everyone's there except Beast Boy. He comes running in shortly before we leave. Robin looks annoyed but doesn't say anything. Normally I would say something rude and sarcastic but because of the incident that just happened I'm too hurt to say anything. He looks surprised and relieved by this. We fly out to the plaza where there's some monster attacking the city. Beast Boy and I are teamed up of course. Fantastic. I start throwing cars and whatever I can get my hands on to control this blob of a monster. Beast Boy tries ramming it but gets stuck inside it. I have to fly through it and grab him. I come out covered with God knows what all over me with him in my arms. I set him down and am able to divert the monster over to Starfire and Cyborg who finish the job. Robin isolates him in a premade force field. We wait for the cops to arrive and stand by the curb. Beast Boy walks over to me.
"Hey, thanks. You know for saving me. I owe ya one." He says and chuckles. I nod without any facial expressions. It warms me that he's being nice to me but I force myself to not feel anything. I hide in my hood and hope he can't see in.
"I'm sorry Raven. For um, calling you a freak. I didn't mean it honest." He brings up the incident and a sharp pain hits my heart from the recent memory. I shrug and attempt to hold my tears.
"Raven, please talk to me." He pleads but I just stand there; refusing to look at him. If I can't feel joy I can't feel pain.
I continue to try to look away even though I can feel him staring me down. He starts to talk,
"Raven, I'm really sorry. I really am. I didn't mean what I said. If I could take it back I would." I try extremely hard not to care what he says but I feel the vile of my broken heart rising in the back of my throat and can't stop myself from speaking.
"You meant it and if you didn't mean it you wouldn't have said it. Besides if you COULD take it back you wouldn't because let's face it; you hate me and don't want me to be part of the team. Maybe it WOULD be best if I left the team so I could be a freak by myself and not BOTHER you with my disgustingness." There's a tear running down my face now. I fidget; not knowing whether to wipe it away or leave it alone.
"You have no idea Raven." He says and turns away.
Great. Now I can't even comprehend the enormous amount of which he hates me; just another reason to end it all. There are sudden screams and cries coming from a couple blocks away. We head over there as fast as we can; only to see a man in a diaper shooting heart arrows at people. Their eyes were immediately snapping into focus staring at their new "love". Forcing people to love those they didn't; some sick joke indeed. He now flies over to us and what the hell? He's going to talk to us isn't he; fantastic. He'll make some remark, Robin will banter back then Cupid will try to hit us with his little love arrows to distract us for awhile and in the end we'll stick his crazy ass in a padded room.
"Well hello, my dear Teen Titans." The deranged man chuckles.
"Who are you?" Robin says. Who the hell do you think it is Robin; the Boogey Man? Jesus. This is beyond predictable.
"Well, I'm Cupid. Duh." Ignoring us, he then continues to shoot arrows at people. Half the people in the plaza are falling, literally, in love with one another. He then starts shooting at us. Don't have to be a psychic to figure that one out. Cyborg is the first one to get hit. I see him stare at Starfire and smile. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my side and at first everything is normal. I yank the arrow out of my side and pink sparkles fall from the wound. The wound suddenly heals and I start to see Cyborg as a handsome stud muffin. Stud muffin really, Raven? Snap out of it. For a couple seconds my mind gets foggy but I'm able to mostly over power cupid's "magic". I guess it's because I've been so focused on not feel any emotion even Cupid can't get me to feel anything.
I then see Starfire standing in between Robin and Cyborg; I think that she was hit to love Cyborg but her own feelings are conflicting and tell her to go to Robin. I then look at Beast Boy who is staring at me. Me. Well isn't this just fucking ironic as hell. He walks over to me and I'm frozen. All the shame and depression I felt before melted away as he looked at me. All the emotions I have ever felt for him turn the little Cupid-induced ones for Cyborg into ash. He pushes back my hair and looks me in the eyes. His piercing emerald eyes look straight through me. We stare at each other for a long time when I'm suddenly snapped back into reality.
I hear Cyborg arguing at Robin over Starfire. I remember that I'm supposed to be in love with Cyborg but does Beast Boy know that? Maybe I could just play along with it until it all wears off. No one would know. A voice of reason slaps me back into my harsh reality. I realize the damage it would do to me for him to love me unconditionally and then go back to hating me when all along I was pining for it to be real. But this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Fuck it, I'll deal with the consequences later but for now I'm going for it.
His face suddenly turns sad and I can't help but think that even Cupid can't get Beast Boy to put up with me. To my surprise he takes my hand and starts to talk softly.
"Raven, I just want you to know that I am unbelievably sorry. If you could just find it in your heart to forgive me, you don't have to love me or even like me but could you just not hate me?" His thumb rubs the top of my knuckles as he waits for my answer. I'm supposedly supposed to be hit by Cupid's arrow so what would someone with normal emotions say when they're hit by Cupid? Maybe I should just say what I really feel. I reach down as deep into both my mind and heart to listen to what I'm really feeling. Words bubble to my mouth and I let it flow.
"Beast Boy, I really don't care about what you said before. I put up this shield around me and I try to make it look like I don't feel anything; as if I couldn't feel anything even if I tried. By being irritable and isolated it makes me feel like I'm in control but I never am. I love you. And I don't have to forgive you because I was never mad at you. What you said was true, I am abnormal and I am a freak. I was mad at myself for not seeing reality. I'm sorry if I'm standoffish and rude to you, I do it to try to hide my feelings. I just wish that you were the one that didn't hate me." By the time that I finish tears begin to flow. I try to control them but it's futile. Suddenly Beast Boy pulls me into his arms and encloses me. He holds the back of my head and my waist as I cry into his shoulder. He smells like green tea, pine trees and the smell of warm moist dirt; he smells like the middle of a forest and the scent comforts me. My tears dry on his shirt and my heaves stop. He continues to rub my back and whispers into my ear,
"I could never hate you; I love you." Both of us know I've stop crying yet neither of us pull away from this embrace. I hear Robin shout and yell, probably at Cyborg. Part of me, a large part, wants to let them figure it out themselves. Both of us turn and look at them. Starfire is standing there looking at each of them and seriously contemplating between them. They shout in unison,
"CHOOSE!" She cries back,
"I can't!" Both Robin and Cyborg look at each other and shrug. They each take one of Star's arms and walk off. I look at Beast Boy and we both burst into laughter. We see them walking down the street three across. I've never laughed so hard and especially with Beast Boy. I wished I had laughed at his jokes most of them were so bad and corny that they were funny. If only I had let my guard down once in a while but I didn't. That will change if it's the last thing I do.
As we walk out of the shop hand in hand as every other person on the block, he stops and twirls me around. He dips me and then kisses me. His soft lips brush mine ever so gently and his eyelashes brush my skin. My cheeks flush red but I don't push him away. I've been waiting so long for this and my insecurities weren't going to screw everything up. Cars passed as did people but it still seemed like time had stopped. Beast Boy and I slowly pulled away, unwillingly on my part. He lifted me back up and continued walking down the street as if nothing happened. Or maybe as if that wouldn't be the last time. I hoped with all my heart that it was the second theory. We walked into a music store and listened to random songs on shuffle through the sample headphones. A vintage band called The Cream came on playing the song White Room. I had heard this song a couple of times on the radio but being with Beast Boy changed the memory I associated the song with. I laugh as Beast Boy tried to sing along and making up his own lyrics. People looked but I didn't care. I was having fun with my fake boyfriend.
In the back of my mind, even though I tried to drown it out, a voice worried about how long Cupid's love would last. Another voice even suggested finding Cupid and making a deal with him but who was I to force Beast Boy to love someone; to love me. I pushed the thought to the back of my mind but as soon as I did it was shoved to the front of it. The television in the music store blasted a news bulletin about Cupid's short term love. I didn't like the sound of short term. I looked at it through the corner of my eye, as Beast Boy continued to listen to the songs. It said that it only lasted 6 hours. I immediately looked at the clock on the wall; it was now 1:43pm. He had gotten hit at around noon; only four hours left. I grabbed his hand and pulled him out the door. He followed happily and we continued through the city. I stood on the street for a couple seconds and looked. What could we do? I saw the beach and figured that would be a good memory.
We walk arm in arm to the beach. We kick off our shoes and leave them by the wooden steps down to the sand. The warm sand seeps in between my toes as I walk towards the shore. Beast Boy wraps his arm around my waist. The ocean's green blue water wets our feet as we walk along the shore. The white wet sand leave has two sets of footprints imprinted. Beast Boy and I just talk. He tells me all about his life before the Titans; about his parents and their life traveling wild life areas. He asks about my past but I would rather talk about something happy so I decide to talk about what I want my future to be. I tell him all about how I want to just be happy. If my future just contained happiness I wouldn't care about anything else. He murmurs something and I ask him to repeat it. He pauses for a second but speaks in a little louder tone but still shy.
"I said, that I want to be a part of your future." I'm shocked but it saddens me. In six hours it will wear off and his thoughts will change. He won't feel the same and he won't understand how he could have felt it in the first place. I smile and rest my head on his shoulder trying to just enjoy the moment while it's here. We walk for what seems like forever just talking. I look at my cell phone and it's now 2:59 and I see it tick to 3:00. Only three hours and we still have a forty five minute walk back to our shoes! I gasp and Beast Boy looks over at me. I smile and try to play it off as if I have an idea of what to do next. We wander back to our shoes and put them on. I told him it was a surprise but I'm just stalling while I think of something. I think of all the things he loves. I think of that mini golf place that has all the games and go-cars and the water boats. I flag a taxi and whisper the destination to the driver. Beast Boy rolls his eyes and kisses my cheek. Where his lips touched me a pink flush appears. Beast Boy notices and blushes himself. I look away embarrassed but Beast Boy gently pulls my chin back to him. He moves in and locks his lips with mine. My eyes flutter closed and I feel the energy and emotion he is eluding. It brightens my mood now only having two hours left. We pull into the Scandia parking lot. There are several couples walking around. He smiles and holds my hand as we walk in.
"What first?" I say. He smirks and points to the Tunnel of Luv. I smile and we walk towards it. We climb into the swan boat and float into the tunnel. He cuddles me and rests his chin on my head as we pass the multiple pictures of famous love stories and couples. Some cheesy love music plays as we float along. I remember always making fun of the stupid couples that went through this; only because all I wanted was to be them. I had been so jealous and soon will be again. I never imagined that love could be this fantastic.
Beast Boy once again kissed me and I kissed him back with all that I had. By the time we came up for oxygen there was a sign that said The Forever Couple and as we pulled around the bend there was a mirror and a camera. The ride came to an end way to soon. We got out and walked over to the photo counter and bought two copies of the photo. We then walked to the arcade and got into a competitive game of DDR. Before we knew it a crowd had formed around us, watching us cheat. I don't think DDR was meant to allow players with 8 arms and legs, such as a green octopus per say, or a sorceress using her powers to predict the upcoming moves. When the game finally ended in a tie a loud applause erupted.
A Green Day song plays over the loud speakers; Time of Your Life. Fantastic, a song that will most likely make me burst into tears. I rush out of there will Beast Boy in toe. Outside we sit on the grass near the entrance. I stare at the parked cars thinking about what could happen if the spell lasted forever until Beast Boy snaps me out of my reverie.
"Want to go back to the beach and talk some more?" I nod and we get up a grab the taxi dropping a couple off. We get in the back seat and it's 5:30pm; only thirty minutes left. I tell the taxi driver to step on it and we reach the beach in less than 5 min when it's a 15 minute drive. I jump out of the car and run to the beach. Beast Boy kicks off his shoes and sweeps me off my feet. He carries me to the shore and sets me down. We walk together with our fingers intertwined. I tell him how much I love him at a last ditch effort to get him to actually love me. He starts to say the words I love you but he stops mid sentence. I quickly look at my cell to his face. It's 6:00 on the dot. I look to his face. He's staring at me, his brow scrunched. He then looks at our hands. He abruptly lets go and stumbles back. I can see the thought process going through his head as he realizes what he was about to say. I can't stand to look at him any longer. I turn and run away. I sprint as fast as I can. I start to fly but decide just to teleport to the Tower. Hot tears are running down my face as I run up the stairs of the tower. I see Cyborg sitting on the couch laughing and Robin blushing as Starfire continues to cling to him. Obviously their awakening was going a hell of a lot better than mine. Cyborg catches a glimpse at me before I can disappear down the hall. I slip into my room and climb onto my bed. I start to really bawl. I hug one of my throw pillows as I stare at the picture of Beast Boy and I in the swan. My chest hurts as if my heart was torn out and just and empty hole was there. I try to stop crying but the hyperventilating just gets worse. I'm able to make my sobs silent as I shove my face into a pillow leaving little room to breathe but just enough. I hear a knock on the door. I don't answer.
"Rae, it's Cyborg. Are you ok?"
"I'm fine! Just GO AWAY!" I scream through sobs. I don't hear any movement.
"PLEASE!" I scream again in agony. And this time I hear his footsteps getting farther and farther away until I can't hear them anymore. I stay on my bed and continue to cry and cry and cry. I watch the clock tick from 6:13 to 6:27 without any interruptions to my sobbing. At 6:28, however, there was another knock on the door. I stay quiet and hear panting. Another knock on the door, but I refuse to answer.
to talk to you
about today." It's Beast Boy. I try to muster up a voice without sobs.
"Please. Just go away." I say unsuccessful at the no hyperventilating thing.
"Raven, just open the door." For rejection, I don't think so. But suddenly there's a loud thud. Another thud, then a hug bang and then he was in my room.
"Sorry about the door but it's about this whole Cupid thing." Beast Boy looked shocked at the numerous tissue boxes surrounding me. I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror and my red puffy eyes scared me and I immediately looked away.
"Whatever." I said bitterly.
I sniffle. I really wish I didn't look so pathetic. I really didn't think this through, fuck it I said, I'll deal with the consequences later, I said. Well now was later and I was dealing with it. Beast Boy snapped me out of my spiraling depression, for now anyways.
"I LOVE YOU!" He screams.
"Hilarious! Raven has emotions! Having fun making fun of me?"
"I'm not! I seriously love you!" ok, this has gone too far.
"If you are going to just make fun of me then you can leave. I'm sorry that Cupid hit you with that damn arrow to make you love a WITCH like me."
"What? Raven, you don't get it. I was never hit by Cupid."
"Either he has shitty aim, or I out maneuvered him."
"You weren't hit?"
"No. You were that's why you've been in love with me for the past six hours."
"I wasn't meant to like you though. I was hit to like Cyborg."
"Then why did you like me?"
I don't answer but my silence explains it all.
"So you weren't under his spell?"
"No." I say sheepishly
"And I wasn't under his spell. So doesn't that mean
"We were actually together." I finish his thought.
"Are actually together." He crawls onto the bed. It's quiet for awhile then he speaks,
"I knew it all along, you know."
"That I liked you? Suuuuuure."
"No, not that. That was surprising, good surprising. The thing I knew all along was that you liked DDR." I erupt into laughter and so does he.