BBRae Breathe

Breathe

Sunny, no clouds and a nice cool breeze, I love Saturdays. Especially since we're at the park for a bar-b-q-picnic thing for "team bonding". Can't we ever just chill and hang out without it having to mean anything, sheesh Robin. Speaking of Rob, he and Star are playing tag just like the friggin' adorable couple they are. The smell of hamburger meat comes wafting through the air and I turn my attention to Cyborg, who's grilling some animal for lunch. And just like every other moment of my pathetic life, I'm sitting here thinking of ways I can confess my feelings to Raven. She's so pretty....no; not pretty, beautiful. Beautiful is the right word though it doesn't express the radiance she has. Damn, what am I saying, I should just stop because there is no way in hell, SHE is going to go out with ME.

She's levitating/sitting cross-legged in the air with a book on her lap. She isn't wearing her cloak today, which is unusual; now she's only wearing her leotard and revealing more, not of her skin but of herself. My phone beeps, interrupting my thoughts. Another damn twitter alert, about some relationship shit; If only love like Romeo and Juliet could really exist. Like what the hell? I mean let's put this in perspective; Romeo is some pedophile creeping on some 13 year old. He stalks her and jumps into her backyard and talks to her from her window. Like what? Then these bitches go and get married after knowing each other for like one or two days, then go and shank themselves to death. Seriously? They met each other ONCE; this whole love at first sight crap is BS.

My thoughts drift to when I first met Raven. Okay maybe I'm full of BS. Ha, all the times I tried to make her laugh, but her harsh words said back only made me love her more. Even as a kid, I made people laugh. I was always unsure why though; had they pitied me for being so different, I mean it's quite hard to blend in while being green. Or had they honestly thought I was funny? All the jokes I cracked and all the insults she through back was so enticing, so different; someone was finally being honest. As my jokes got cornier, she got more sarcastic. I was also able to see the side of not even Robin had seen.

I'm embarrassed even to admit to myself, but I have my own little creeper Romeo in me; I've been spying on her for years. It's surprising all the things she won't tell us, like the fact that she likes alternative music along with rock, or that she has over 70 songs by Taylor Swift. Or the fact that she sings in the shower. Or even that she that she loves pop tarts, hates the s'mores ones. I sometimes get the feeling she likes me, but then other times she can't stand me. I'm the problem with my various convoluted plans to get her to like me, none of which have worked; HA no shit Sherlock.  Whether she loves me or hates me at least she is thinking about me I guess. But I can't live with just that; well, not for long anyways.

Her head whips up knocking a single strand out of place. Her ice-cold violet eyes lock on to mine and an eyebrow rises, daring me to continue looking. But my mind is blank and I'm frozen.

* * *

Why is he staring at me? Is there something on my face? Crap; what if it's a zit? My eyes unintentionally narrow, why do I care if I have a zit?

         "You know you like him why don't you just tell him, you scardey-cat!" Happy chirps. She has a smirk that I cold just slap off her face.
          "Shut up." I snarl back.

          "You can face your demon father, but oh! Emotions!! HELP ME!!!! Puh-leeze Pull yourself together." Sarcasm responds while rolling her eyes.

          "When did I ask for your opinions?" I snap.

          "We're your emotions, you don't get to ask.", They reply in unison. I need to respond to this staring contest sooner or later.

"Do you need something?" I ask in a sarcastic tone. Happy is just about screaming at me for being so rude. Well she can scream all she wants.

"Uhhhhhh, sorry." He replies. He looks down but I see him peek back up at me. I continue to stare at him, unsure what to do know.
"You won the staring contest" Competitive is beaming holding an imaginary medal for all to see.
             "Oh gosh who cares, HE LIKES YOU!!!!!" Love is just about having an aneurysm.
             "Does not!" I scream back. But I AM honestly curious why he didn't make some comment about my creepiness or ask me some stupid question that would eventually lead to a corny joke.
            "You love those corny jokes of his so don't deny it!" Both Happy and Love smirk.

I do not love his jokes; it's him. The way his face lights up, and that crooked smile with his canines just about kills me with a flood of emotions. But why doesn't he light up like that around the other titans? Does he pity me? I don't need it. Or IS it because he likes me? And why do my emotions act that way around him? Someone murmurs soul mates but I shove them to the darkest corner of my mind. But they couldn't be more wrong, I mean there's no way....

* * *

"Uh. Watcha reading?" I ask dumbly, as if I can't see the big block letters on the binding of her book.
"Um, Wuthering Heights." She responds, but surprisingly in a semi-friendly tone.
"Cool." I say. Wow could I be more of a dork? Jesus! Lets look at the recap here folks, I stare at her like some freak, then imply that I can't read, and wait for it, SILCENE because I can't even talk about the book because I haven't the slightest idea to what it's about! Why don't I just stamp DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME on my forehead!
"Yea, I've read it before though." She drops the book on the ground making a slight thud. She lowers herself onto the picnic blanket and is quite for a moment. Is she trying to say something?
Before I can think, my eardrums rattle as Cyborg yells,
"Food's ready!!!!" So she wasn't trying to say something at all then; just knew it was time to eat? Oh who knows!
"Hey," Cyborg says, "Where's Rob and Star?"
"Right here! Sorry are we late?" Robin grins, jackass.
"Yes, I would hate to be late on such an occasion of celebration of friendship!" Starfire is beaming after hanging with her "just a friend that is a boy". Sure sure, Robin. Cover up your blooming romance while I sit here and just dream of what could, I mean couldn't be. Because lets face it I don't have a chance.

"Naw, you're not late. Here's a couple of hotdogs!" Cyborg passes the paper plates filled with food.
"Hey BB, your tofu dogs aren't done yet, lemme go check on them." Cyborg turns to leave.
"No, no it's fine. I'll go get 'em." I reply. I need to get my thoughts straight before talking to Raven again anyways.

* * *

"Hey!" I try to say nonchalantly but a little, well a lot more, hyper than I intended. Beast Boy jumps and whips around. His tofu dogs fly off the plate hit my torso. I instinctively push them away and unintentionally into the dirt and grass covered ground. I look down in horror.
"Oh My God! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to…. honest…I was just…I'm sorry it's all my fault…um lemme help, maybe I can…" I stumble for even the simplest of words as he stares at me.
"Raven, it's okay. No big deal. Really!" His eyes sparkle as he looks at me. Oh fuck my life! Dammit.  Could I screw up anymore?!
            "I really don't think you could have. I mean one you insulted him twice just on the car ride here, you bluntly ignored him when he asked about the book because you were too busy trying to be cool and now you've ruined his lunch, and it looks like you did it on purpose. Good Job!"  Anger screams at me.
             "Actually it could've been a LOT worse…."Happy trails off as growls from the rest of the emotions echo through my head.
Dammit Dammit Dammit! I bend to pick up the tofu dogs, trying as quickly as I can to pick them up; five second rule, right? My violet hair falls in front of my face and I only see a flash of green before I feel a hard thwack against my forehead. Putting my logical thinking skills to the test, I'm guessing we both tried to get the dogs, and smacked heads. But is that enough? NOOOOOOOOO! Haha, of course this would happen, because this is my own living hell. Both of our bodies' decide it would be just hilarious to collide AGAIN. At this point I try to just get the hell out of the way and then trip over the ketchup bottle. I fall into Beast Boy, well actually on top of Beast Boy and I hear something explode. I look and realize we, he, had fallen on top of the mustard, making it explode all over the pack of his pants.  
"Oh!" we both blurt out. What the hell is this? A sitcom? He starts laughing hysterically but I'm too shocked to do anything. Why does he think this is so fucking funny? Looking at the yellow mustard envading the backs of his arms and legs makes me start to giggle a bit. We try to get up but slip and fall again. Now I'm the one who's covered in mustard. I start laughing harder Beast Boy's leaning over me, trying to help me up. Why do I think this is funny? The fact that I have screwed my chances with him? Oh in that case laugh away!

* * *

I notice her laughter is kind of interrupted by gasps but I can't tell if that's because she laughing so hard or trying to cover up that she is crying. I roll myself off of her and pull her off the ground. She stops laughing/crying long enough for me to say:
"Are you okay?"
"um...I guess." she chokes out. I feel terrible. I mean I practically threw my tofu dogs at her. Now she's covered in freaking mustard. I mean what the hell is my problem. She seemed the mustard thing was pretty funny. Before I realize what I'm doing I see a handful of mustard being picked up from the ground fly through the air. It hits her straight in the face. There's splatter from the impact over her hair and parts of her leotard. What the hell was I thinking!!!!!!!! I can't look! Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, my fucking god.
I really don't wanna know where the future bruises will end up but the last thing I want to see is her reaction. Seconds tick by like years with silence as loud as a marching bad. Surprisingly I don't hear anything, let alone feel a car being jammed down my throat. But I think the silence is worse, much, much worse.

* * *

What the hell? Well I guess I deserve it for ruining his lunch.
"Damn straight you deserve it. What a bitch." Some emotion snarls, I'm so confused that I don't know one.
Throw some back!!!  Well, make this a flirting thing, or revenge! What ever floats your boat! C'mon make this a fun memory. Not one you'll cry yourself to sleep about! Happy, I'm guessing, sings. I decide to listen and even Happy is surprised. I grab that damn ketchup bottle I tripped over and squirt a shit load at him. I turn and run away screaming,
"Catch me if you can!!!!" I'm sprinting through the park, but as each stride brings me farther and farther away,  I realize what would happen if he didn't follow me. I would completely embarrass myself. I would look like some 4th grader whose crush didn't "like-like" me. Terror fills my body and my veins turn cold. Images of them all laughing at me burn my mind. Somehow my body can't stop running though.  Well screw it, I'm already running….why am I running I can fly!
The next stride I push hard on my right foot and rise into the air. Part of me decides that I could play it off that I'm just going home, before I can finish my attempt of a plan and I see BB jump out from the bushes. A liquid whip of mustard comes lashing my way; I try to dodge it but I still end up getting some in my hair. I fly back; grab some more ketchup and race after him.
Is this how it feels? To be in love, I mean. It's like; I can't find words. I always thought it be this huge deal. Like the blues bluer, the sun brighter, the grass softer but it's more the simple things I guess. My chest warms and it is like I can actually feel my happiness spreading through my body. I can't contain it either; I literally can't stop smiling and the thought that this could suddenly end is just ignored.
I distract those tragic thoughts and continue shooting black energy wads of ketchup. He's covered but I suddenly loose sight of him. I feel an energy behind me and whip around but it's too late. The slime of the yellow mustard slides down my body, covering every inch with its disgusting presence.

* * *

Between the two of us we look like some McDonald's add. I'm seriously having the time of my life. I wanna tell her everything but I don't wanna ruin this moment like I normally would. I'm on such a high I feel like I'm flying! And not the I-can-change-into-a-bird-flap-my-wings-like-a-mad-person-so-I'm-in-pain flying, it's the just-floating-up-here-because-it's-so-effortless kind of flying. I morph back to my human form and see Raven flying towards me. I see the biggest smile I have ever seen on her face. She lands softly on the ground in front of me and giggles. She smirks and says ,
"Well this wasn't exactly the way I intended to spend my after noon."  Her smile doesn't fade and I wonder if she's riding the same high I am. Her face illuminates and looks its like I can see into her soul. I scoop a bit of the ketchup from my shoulder on to my finger; I look at it and then I look at her then I smear it down her forehead and nose, I'm about to continue to her lips when a loud yell startles me.
"Beast Boy, What the HELL do you think you're doing?" Robin is livid. Obviously all they see is that she is covered in condiments and I'm not smearing it across her face, nice.
"BB, I don't blame her if she kills you." Cyborg jokes, but I can see the concern in his eyes as he sneaks a peak at Raven. They look like THEY are the ones who want to kill me, not her. I double check and sneak a peek at her. As I look at her, she opens her mouth and I'm terrified that maybe I was the one that misread this whole situation.

* * *

"I started it." I mumble, expecting the wrath of Robin. I mean he'll still be pissed just not as much if he thought BB started it. Everyone looks at me, shocked. Robin looks as if he doesn't even believe me! I have no idea how to proceed from here. Several emotions throw their two cents in, in how I should handle this:
"BB was pissing me off so I attacked him with condiments, got a problem?"
"well see, BB was really annoying me lately so I just kind of snapped I guess. I'm sorry about umm wasting the ketchup, and painting the town red."
Painting the town red? Lamest joke ever…..
Oh shut up.
Whatever miss I- don't- like- corny- jokes- but- will- say –them- myself
Aparently my silence was enough, that or the mixed emotional mask I was wearing, because Robin just turns to Beast Boy and pats him on the shoulder.
"Oh, well BB, sorry for assuming it was you who started it." Robin stutters. Beast Boy is still too shocked to say anything. Cyborg just starts laughing; I glare and him ask why.
"Because, who would have thought that you would have started a FOOD FIGHT to get back at someone!!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHA, well c'mon y'all lets eat before it goes cold, eh?" Everyone heads to the picnic blanket, but BB and I hang back as they talk about trivial subjects.
"Raven, can I um talk to you?" Beast Boy says. Shit. He's going to tell me that 'that was fun and all but…' he doesn't like me like that but he wants to know how I feel. Or he'll ask why I took the blame. And I don't have an answer for either question.
"Uh, sure I guess."  He's about to pull me aside.

* * *

Here it goes. I'm going to tell her how I feel; for once and for all. I'll just say Raven, I love you. I always have. I would do anything to make you happy. I have loved you from the first time I met you. And you might think that I stopped when Terra was around but even when I was dating Terra, I was only trying to make you jealous. But that totally backfired because she's a lying backstabbing bitch, but that's not the point.  Every night I lie awake and think of you. Every time you pass by I think of what I could do to make your life better. When Malechior broke your heart I wanted to kill him! I love you! And I hope you feel the same way. Or I could just make out with her right here and just cut my loses. Or I could be do a combination. I turn to Raven and open my mouth just as Robin calls us to play a game of football, ass.
"I'll just referee." Raven says with a smirk but says,  "We'll talk later tonight; we'll go on a walk or something, 8pm 'kay?" She looks at me not needing approval but I smile wide and nod anyway.
I volunteer to be against Robin because I don't think I could stand to work with him now. He is so into his own relationship world he doesn't notice how long I have been pining for Raven. Actually, I think he knows he just thinks it's so ridiculous that he chooses to ignore it. Cyborg is too used to Raven and I hating each other I don't think he'll ever get the picture. And Starfire? She's the most oblivious, except maybe Raven but I don't blame Raven. How could Raven feel wanted after Malechior as her "love", Terra as her "friend", and Trigon as her "father"? Every close relationship she was used as a pawn. Wow, I'm more philosophical then I thought.
I'm not paying attention to the game. I count down the hours instead of concentrating. I've gotten tackled three times by Star and once by Robin, and Cy's giving me a hard time. To be honest, I'm so distracted I'm not one hundred percent sure of what game we are even playing. After the game, where apparently we lost 27 to 56, we begin packing up all of our stuff and start on our way home. In the car, the radio is on and everyone's laughing and talking in the car, everyone except Raven and I. She stares out the window as if purposefully not looking at me. I can see her face through the reflection of the glass. Even so I still wonder what she's thinking about.

* * *

No! Just four more hours until eight! I need to stall! There's no way I can take this rejection. Seriously, what the hell was I thinking letting Brave talk for me. "You, Me, walk 8pm, kay?" LIKE WTF! OH god.
You don't know what he's going to say! Why do you just assume he doesn't like you?
Because he DOESN'T like me!
Then why was he flirting with you during your guys' food fight?
It was a chance for him to get even for all the times I have been a total jerk to him! It really isn't that far of a stretch.
Or he was FLIRTING!!!!
I don't feel like fighting my emotions. I move to the mirror and fix up my makeup but just go and sit to look out the window. I don't think I have ever felt this terrified. Or this alone.

* * *

I'm staring at my green complexion in the mirror, 20 more minutes until eight. She said that's when we'll meet at the shore of Titans Tower…. at eight. I just hope she doesn't get there at 8:05 because I don't even think I can wait even 10 more minutes. What am I saying, she probably won't even show up. Plan for the worst; expect the best. That doesn't help me, plan for the best; expect the worse, no disappointments that way.
I look down at the empty mint container. I've been so nervous I have eaten about forty. I pace back and forth for the next five minutes as I pick up the flowers I bought and almost throw them away. They're black roses; I'll probably insult her assuming she likes black. I should have gotten her something blue or purple; those are her favorite colors. But I get her black roses because I think that'll impress her because they're rare. Good job Garfield! Urgh, I decide to just go down to the shore now; there's no use in waiting up here.
I'm walking down the path I can hear the crunch of the pebbles with each footstep. My eyes are locked on the calm waves that slowly crash into the edge of the island. I glance at the horizon and a violet flame catches my eye. Raven's hair is blowing in the wind as she stares at the stars. She looks over at me and must have heard me coming.
"Beast Boy?" She says as the enchanting breeze carries her voice toward me.
"Yea. It's me." I manage to choke out. I'm shaking from the anxiety and I'm not sure if I should walk over to her or to let her come to me. I begin to slowly walk towards her perch and she gets up and meets me halfway.
I look into her eyes and it looks like she has been crying but only because they look watery. I convince myself it's from the wind and the salt in the air. We both stand there awkwardly for a moment or two. One of her arms hangs limp by her side while the other is crossed over and hanging on to the first. My arm outstretches and I pull her closed arm away from her body and weave my fingers through hers. Her eyes are wide and are watching me warily, much different than the bold Raven that I talked to hours ago. I smile and squeeze her hand. She blushes and squeezes back. An ear shattering sound comes from behind us and moments be for I turn my head, the ground shakes with a huge force. The remnants of a boulder litter the beach behind us. Raven blushes more. I laugh and say,
"Did you do that?" She looks away sheepishly and nods.
"My powers they kind of have a mind of their own when I'm preoccupied…emotionally." I smile at the fact that I made her blow up a rock.
We walk a couple yards, and turn to face each other. I know that no one is watching us but still I wish this were a little more private.
"Would you mind if we went somewhere else?" she says taking the words out of my mouth.
"Sure. I was thinking the same thing."

* * *

We fly over to a beach opposite of the Tower. It's a great view, even though it's dark. Beast Boy is holding my hand, and it feels like electricity is running through my veins. I lean into him, and he lets me.
"So, Raven," Beast Boy stammers,  "I have felt this way about you for a long time, I never told you because I assumed you didn't feel the same way." He stops for awhile and my heart aches for him to continue.
"Felt what way about me?" I push. I need him to say it, or else this could all just be some sick misunderstanding.
"That I'm in love with you." He looks at me and I'm on fire. I feel alive for the first time. It's like I have been holding my breath forever and just now let myself feel the pleasure of breathing. I'm almost delirious from emotions coursing through me. For once they are all speechless.
"Raven? You do feel the same way right? I mean I don't expect you to be in love with me but do you kind of like me? Or am I totally misreading this situa…" I interrupt him.
"I love you, Garfield. No one can change that," I pause thinking back to all the years when he hadn't returned the favor, "Not even you."
He pulls my body against his chest and just holds me.  And I let him.