Scarred 5

~ ~ ~

My eyes flash open as I stare into the darkness. I try to calm my racing heartbeat and sudden shortness of breath but to no use.  I'm unable to move, frozen in fear, chained to the bed. My wrists already sting as the shackles rub my skin raw. Again. My hair is wet as it's plastered to my sweat-drenched forehead. Shadows look at me eerily and the lack of light makes me feel faint. My eyes focus as much as they can with the random black dots clouding my vision. His golden mask reflects a single flash of light and I open my mouth to scream only for no sound to come out. I look down to see my blood pouring from my slit throat. The more I try to scream the faster the blood pours.

The flash of gold near the wall catches my eye. A sinister smile forms as Slade begins to walk closer, a serrated knife drenched in red placed between his fingertips as he quickly flicks my blood off of it.

"Beast Boy won't always be around. He can't protect you forever and he can't save you now."

My head snaps up only to see that he's disappeared from my view. I quickly turn back and forth looking for the gleam of his blade. But I can't see him. The sudden pressure on my arm and the cold press of the knife at the back of my rib cause me to scream. My throat aches as the sound continues to bellow from it. I drag myself out of my bed and feel him pulling me back. His hand wrapped around my ankle dragging me back.

How did he find me? What am I talking about? Of course he found me, it's not like I hid or left or anything. I dig my fingernails into the carpet and pull myself forward.  
Raven.
He keeps calling my name.
Stop.

I just have to make it to the door. Just to the door and I'll be okay. I struggle to get up as my hands slam onto the metal door. His hands lock around my upper arms, I try to scream louder but my throat has run dry. The metal door shows his evil reflection. I kick the door repeatedly but only receive pain shooting up through my foot.  I close my eyes tight and try to ignore the pain as his hands tighten around my arms. I open my eyes as he shouts my name again. Only his face isn't in the reflection anymore.
  
His sad emerald eyes look pleadingly at me through the reflection. It takes me a couple minutes to realize that Slade isn't here, that it's Beast Boy who's holding me. We stand in silence before I turn around.  

"Rae, it's me, Beast Boy. It was just a dream." I stare at him until my eyes jerk down at my wrists. There are no chains, no shackles. But there is blood trickling down my forearm. I see that my knuckles are bleeding again from my attack on the door. I instinctively reach to touch my throat. There is no slit, no cut, no blood. That couldn't have been a dream. It felt so real.

I inadvertently shake my head back and forth. I try my best to hold back the tears that struggle to escape. I won't let him see me cry again. I bite down on the inside of my lip until a salty wine fills it. We continue to stand in silence. I begin to look around the room and see the sheets twisted all over the floor and a broken gold vase.  The gold vase. It was just a vase, not his mask. My eyes slowly trail to Beast Boy, who is still wearing his uniform and belt. My hand reaches out and my fingertips trace the belt. The cold metal sends shivers up my spine. The blade. It wasn't a blade. It was his belt. He must have heard me wake up and he then rolled over. The pressure on my arm was his hand. The knife in my back was his belt. That's all.

"I had a nightmare." As soon as I say it a couple tears roll down my cheek and three more follow in anger. I realize what I've said is obvious and partially insulting, as if I think he can't figure out what just happened.

"I know."  He says gently as he uses his thumb warily to wipe my tears away. "I heard you whimpering so I'd thought I'd comfort you. I rolled over and was going to hug you but then you started screaming. You jumped out of bed and tripped. Your foot was caught in the sheets." Slade wasn't grabbing me, wasn't trying to drag me back. "You wouldn't stop to untangle them. You kept screaming 'Please stop.' and ' Leave me alone'. I tried to tell you it was me and that it was just a dream but you wouldn't listen. So I got up and tried to stop you but you thought I was Slade."

"I didn't know it was a dream. I thought that he had found me." There are those words again. He doesn't have to find me. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not fleeing. I'm not fighting. I'm just here.  I keep rubbing my neck as if that by doing so it will erase my imagined wound. How different I feel from two days ago at the doctor's office. I don't feel okay now.  I'm tired of everyone telling me I'm going to be okay. I'm not okay. I scream every time I see a blinking red light, Cyborg: You're okay, man. My body freezes and I can't move my limbs because when I hear keys jingle the smell of blood and the image of shackles flood my mind, Robin: Everything's going to be okay. I shovel food into my mouth because I'm so starving but can't keep it down so I vomit it all up in shame, Starfire: You'll be okay, friend-Raven.

Beast Boy doesn't say that though. He doesn't say, "You'll be okay." Maybe I will, but he doesn't make promises that could be broken. He never says, "Hey everything's okay." Because everything isn't 'okay'. He doesn't say "You're okay." Because I'm not. The funny thing is he's the only one I actually feel okay with. I'm not okay all the time, but those moments when I am mean everything, and they're only with him.  

We're still standing in silence when he reaches his hand out gingerly.  I slowly place my throbbing hand into his. We continue to stand like this for a minute or two. My eyes survey his face. His jaw is clenched tight but his eyes scream out in pain. His eyes are sad and tired. It's only now that I clearly see the dark circles underneath his emerald eyes.  We are so similar it's scary how I always perceived us as being so completely different. I can directly pinpoint what it is but it's there, something in his stance or his controlled speech.

I walk closer to him and rest my head on his shoulder and I feel his arms wrap around me, encompassing me in a safe harbor with his woodsy fresh pine scent. My heart beat slows to it's natural rhythm and my heavy eyelids close. In slow movements he sweeps me off my feet and holds me in his arms.

"I can walk on my own, you know." The defensive words slip out of my mouth before I realize what I'm saying. Thankfully, Beast Boy gets a wide grin and looks down at me, his white teeth shining in the dark.

"I think you proved that not only can you walk on your own but that you can defeat the sheet monster, break a vase and pummel through a steel door. I think it's time you took a break, huh?" He continues to carry me to bed before I can, unintentionally, object any further.

Part of me doesn't want his help. I could fix myself. A crowd of emotions laughs as they quickly replay the past ten minutes through my mind. I admit it wouldn't be easy, probably barely possible but I could do it. That part of me doesn't want to be some damsel in distress. Yet here I am. Not struggling. Letting him take care of me. Why? Because for once I'm not alone. I always push people away. That's what I'm mentally doing right now. What did I say? 'I could fix myself.' I need to stop pushing people away. He lays me down then grabs the tangled sheets and throws them over me again. He tucks me in and suddenly starts laughing. I'm too tired to ask but I do anyway.

"You're just lucky you have like 3 broken ribs." He chuckles a little louder, climbs over me and lies on top of the covers. I can't help the mental note that they are not broken, they were broken and are now healed. I push the negative thoughts away. I eye him warily too tired to really speak. The thought of actually opening my mouth to speak seems arduous. So I stare at him and raise an eyebrow hoping he gets what I'm trying to convey. "Why? Because I really, I mean really, want to tickle you." My jaw drops, eyes narrow and he laughs. I would have killed him. I hate being tickled. It's horrible. I mean it hurts like a mother yet you're laughing. It's like some black magic paradox reverse psychology bullshit. "What? Not funny." Suddenly I don't feel too tired to speak as a number of phrases pop into my mind.

"Just get underneath the covers like a normal person." After a moment or two as he crawls in I mumble, with a smile silently spreading across my face, "Ass." He laughs as his arms wrap around me. Even enveloped in his warm embrace, guarded from all terrors I can't help but be terrified. The darkness looms over me. This cave isn't comforting. The dark, once my loving friend that I could hide in, is now my greatest enemy. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of being in the dark.
~ ~ ~
The slow rise and fall of her chest leads me to believe that she's finally fallen asleep again. I try not to move, scared that it might insight another nightmare. The burns and cuts on her arms are almost gone and it's easier to tell them apart from the scars. There are more scars than I had first predicted but she still looks better than that first night. I'm opening up to her a little more now. But after that nightmare I have no idea how I'm going to deal with tomorrow. Do I pretend it never happened? I'm assuming she doesn't want to talk about it. But maybe I should bring it up. No. She can bring it up if she wants.

She looks peaceful now. Her porcelain face is starting to look familiar. The black eye is yellowing, the cut across her jaw is fading and otherwise her face is completely back to normal. Her short violet locks frame her face and I can't help but smell the light lavender scent emanating from her scalp. My thoughts drift back to yesterday, when we went to the hair salon. Starfire offered to go with her, to let me stay home, but Raven almost completely shut down. She tried to hide her discontent but it only fooled Starfire. I didn't mind going; I actually wanted to go. It was a good thing too. After several innocent insults and instances where Star kept bring up Raven's months imprisoned, I eventually just had Robin call Starfire and make up some excuse for her to go home. Even with Star gone the damage had been done. I think bringing up those memories is what caused this little nightmare. I feel my blood pressure rise thinking about it. I'm suddenly infuriated with Starfire even though I know she didn't mean any harm. Raven did seem cheered up by the hairdresser. He was extremely nice and never brought it up once, yet he didn't awkwardly avoid it either; a task I need some help in.

I look over at the clock and see that it's about seven, making it four hours since the nightmare. Raven begins to stir and I can't help but wonder how she's able to continuously get three to five hours of sleep every night and still function. She rolls over and presses her face into the crook of my neck. Her warm breath raises the hairs on my neck and arms. My mind wanders to dangerous places. I distract myself by quickly running my fingers through my hair thoroughly "fixing" it to bed head chic. She exhales heavily and she places her hand on my chest, her fingers, pale and fragile, must be able to feel the sudden increase in my heartbeat. Her fingers delicately crawl up my shirt and find their way to my jawline, where they draw ticklish designs across the skin, circles and swirls. Devilish thoughts creep back into my mind as I begin to lean forward, dangerously close to her pink lips.  Imagine it. Her soft pink lips pressing into mine. But I can't do that. I stop, our lips millimeters away from each other. I freeze awkwardly unsure what to do, my mind now blank.

"Do you want some tea?" The question fumbles out of my mouth as her violet eyes burn into mine. After minutes without blinking or fidgeting, her eyelashes flicker down to glance at my lips. She looks back up slowly, the tips of her eyelashes touching her upper lid.

"Sure." She says with, is that regret?  We continue to be completely still stuck in a game of chicken, neither wanting to be the first to move. Finally, I decide to push up and I sit on the edge of the bed. I want nothing more than to stick my head between my knees and get a hold of myself before anything else happens. I hear the bed creak, as Raven must be rising on the other side. But her violet hair brushes against the left side of my face as she leans over my shoulder.

"Do you want to help me with something?" Raven's voice chimes delicately through my ears.  She slowly pulls back as my head continues to spin, drunk off Raven. She swings her legs over the side of the bed and stands. She walks over and faces one of the walls.

"I'd love to. What is it?" She fidgets, crossing her arms over her chest, both legs straight. She's quiet and then as if suddenly making a decision she uncrosses her arms and places them on her hips shifting her weight onto one leg. She's staring straight at the wall, her gaze locked. She raises one arm out towards it. A black field of energy engulfs her hand, and what looks like purple electricity erratically surges through the black cloud. Her hand flexes from a fist into a five; suddenly the black cloud plunges forward and meets the wall with a thundering boom. Once the cloud of dust fades I notice a large portion of the wall is missing. Some pieces of drywall crumble and hit the ground with a thud while others fall out of the building and turn to dust, not surviving the ten-story drop. Pieces of metal and steel jut out from the wreckage and curve in unnatural angles. The warm rays of sunlight bore in and fill the room with a ridiculous happy feeling.

Somehow I'm not in the least bit surprised. She turns standing tall hiding the slight wobble in her legs.

"That wall was always a bitch. She had to go." Still nervous from all of the "almost kisses", I struggle to come up with a joke. Thankfully, Raven rolls her eyes as a smile creeps onto her lips. I think it'll be better if I avoid the jokes for now. "So, what did you want me to help you with?"


"With that." She says as she gestures to the bang on the door accompanying Robin's urgent voice.
"Raven? Are you okay? I'm coming in!"

~ ~ ~

"You just blew up the wall!" An unknown voice bellows out in my mind. I'm too preoccupied to distinguish what emotion. The warm sunshine drags old memories up that I had forgotten, the days at the park playing football and having picnics, the times reading vintage comic books so I could have something to talk to Beast Boy about. But one memory is odd; it's from my time of capture. I would have never thought a memory from that horrid place would ever accompany the warmth of the rays from the sun. My daily ray of hope is the memory that comes to mind. One of the ways I thought I could keep track of the days was by the daily appearance of my good old friend, the bloodhound. His image would appear consistently on the black and white monitors, sniffing around, eventually lying down and falling asleep. He was my constant ray of hope that I could get out. I didn't see him the day I escaped like I had envisioned but I hold on to the belief that he must have shown up earlier.

I turn from the sunshine and find myself enraptured at the sight of Beast Boy. His muscular build and playful nature send butterflies in my stomach and spread a smile across my face. I can't stop staring at him. When I made the decision to stop hiding in the dark I was only referring to the dark cave in which I'm living in, but it turns out that a few emotions decided to interpret that a little more liberally. I'm no longer confused about my feelings for Beast Boy. I like him. I want him. I love him. And I want him to know it. I want us. I want us together. I want us together, now. Slade's evil words bubble up from the dark recesses of my mind.


.Beast Boy won't be around forever.

Slade's right. Beast Boy won't be around forever. Everyone dies eventually. Most don't even die of old age anymore and having the occupation of a superhero doesn't help your odds. It only means I can't be hiding from my fears of emotion, rejection, or of anything. Anything includes Slade. I'm tired of hiding from him. I'm tired of letting him control me even though I've escaped his dungeon. The way I've been acting lately infuriates me. No more hiding.  I need to take control.

I snap back into focus as Robin kicks the door down. Sarcasm can't help but applaud Robin for winning the award for Greatest Overreaction.

"Raven! Are you okay? Oh my God, what happened? Is everything okay?" Even if Robin is my best friend I can't help but be annoyed.

"Calm down. I'm fine. I just needed some light in here."  Normally Robin would come up with a snarky remark or tease me or ridicule me but now he just nods. That's what's irritating too. Why does he have to treat me like I'm some, some mental case! I mean I expected that from everyone else, but not him. He's Robin. He's the one I can always turn too. Yet now I can't help but feel infuriated at the sight of him. He should know what to say, Beast Boy does. Beast Boy knows exactly what to say. He's cautious with what he says but he doesn't baby me. He takes care of me. That should be Robin's job. Robin has always been my guy, my best friend. I may have, well definitely, taken him for granted, but now is no time to abandon me. Beast Boy and I were never even that close yet who's feeding me, bathing me, sleeping with me, protecting me? Where's Robin through all my vomiting, my screaming?

My screaming. Why didn't he come help me when I was screaming? During my nightmare, why didn't he come to help me? He didn't come. He heard me. He chose not to.

Robin reaches his hand out to my crossed arms. The touch of his hand on my own makes me hastily pull back and my eyes narrow, knee jerk reaction. My teeth grind and my fingernails dig into my skin as I try to control myself and the raging emotions flooding my mind. I feel a warm hand on my shoulder and I slightly turn my head to see it's Beast Boy's. I feel my arms uncross as I unintentionally move a little closer to him. The movement doesn't go by unnoticed. Robin puts his hands on his hips and I can see him frown even through his mask. I roll my eyes and shift my weight, moving me even closer to Beast Boy.

"Robin, have we made any progress on the other matter?" Beast Boy says avoiding my gaze. Robin exhales heavily and shakes his head solemnly.

"Beast Boy, I don't think we're going to be able to find it on our own," Robin glances towards me and continues, "I mean how often did you go out? And you were never able to find it." Beast Boy's grip tightens a bit on my waist. I look up at him and his jaw is clenched. He gives a controlled nod.

"What?" My voice echoes through the quiet room. Beast Boy begins to speak but Robin interrupts him.
"Nothing." Robin glares at Beast Boy, whose gaze doesn't falter like it once would.
"It isn't nothing. What is it? Do you need my help?" Robin immediately shakes his head as a response.
"No Raven, we don't need your help. It's not a pressing thing, we're just going to  
drop it." Robin directs the last part towards Beast Boy. Beast Boy just smiles as Robin shrugs as he walks out.

I wait until the room is completely silent and Robin's footsteps die out.
"What the hell was that about?" I say still irritated with Robin and accidentally taking it out on Beast Boy.

"We're trying to find where you were held. No luck so far." He removes his arm from my waist and crosses his arms defensively.

"Do you need my help?" The idea of finding the damned place is both terrifying and incredibly intriguing.

"Eventually."

"How are you so good at this?" My honesty jumps out of my mouth before I process it. He chuckles and scrunches his eyebrows together.

"What are you talking about? Good at what?" His pearly white smile sends shivers down my spine.

"At THIS." I gesture to myself. "I mean I'm a mess. I'm so fucked up that ROBIN doesn't know how to deal with me. Yet here you are, perfect. You don't lie to me. Not even to 'protect' me." Pride wants to slap me for using air-quotes but I ignore her as I continue, "Seriously. I just figured out how I'm feeling. How have you been able to deal?" The questions I'm asking really do confuse me. I, myself, have just decided how I'm feeling and how I want to proceed and how I want people to treat me, yet Beast Boy has been two thousand steps ahead of me this whole time.

"I did this to you." Beast Boy's smile fades as he looks at me. "It's my fault. It's my fault that he was able to take you. I should have stopped him but I didn't. I was too busy trying to…impress you. He stole you right out from under me. I couldn't find you either. My second chance to make it all better, to stop it from happening, but I couldn't trace his steps. I went out every night. Every night. I never missed one. Still couldn't find you. But that night when you came home, I realized that this was my chance to make it up to you, for everything." The room falls silent. The clouds have shifted making the room slightly less bright and airy. He stands still, his emerald eyes struggling to hold the salty tears from escaping. "That's why I'm so good at this. I created it."